Look Out for #1

Well hello there! I took a bit of a break, but I’m back and better than ever. The 2nd half of 2017 was pretty challenging, and 2018 was following suit until I decided to make some changes.

And let me tell you, changes are HARD to make sometimes! It’s not just about trying to eat healthier or exercise more, though I’ve started on that journey as well. The changes I’m talking about weren’t some resolution that I had decided on in January as I welcomed the new year. The change I’m speaking about is deciding to look out for #1 and put myself, and my well-being first.

It sounds like the literal definition of selfish… I know, but hear me out. For the better part of the past 20 years, I had slowly been chipping away at my circle of people and letting the toxic people in my life float away, like a paper boat down a drainage ditch. And most were pretty easy to let go of, because the roles they played in my life were minimal. But recently, my resolve was put to the test and I had to cut someone out that I was so close to! She is the person I was actually closest with, even more so than my supportive SO. And it was hard – God was it hard. It broke my heart, and still does, but I had to put myself first.

You see, recently, while celebrating our birthdays together, she threw a dagger of an insult at me, thinking it was okay. I laughed it off, but it hurt because I would never dream to treat her like that. A few short days later, she offered me an “opportunity” for work, since I’ve been out of work for 7 months, but offered to pay me $2/hour, while working 50 hours per week. After the first stab to the heart with her insult, this was a kick in the gut to top it off. But it was a stab and kick I really needed.

For the better part of a month, I kept playing it all out in my head. I anguished and cri
ed. I was sad and angry and disappointed. All the while, she had no clue what she had done to me emotionally and mentally. The noise in my head was too much to handle. I didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t want to hurt her… Let me say that again. I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT HER. I wasn’t putting myself first, and it was killing me!

As much as it hurt, it made me realize how she sees me – as “less than” and “unworthy”. The thing is, I know better than that! I KNOW that I’m not less than and I know my worth! I’m so fortunate to actually be starting a new job soon, making more than $2/hour. And although it hurts like hell to not have her in my life, I can’t allow ANYONE to treat me like I don’t matter. If I don’t look out for #1, no one else will!

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Well friends, that’s all I have for now. Until next time, stay caffeinated and be kind to each other.

The Cafe Owner