Depression is such an act. Now, hold on. Before you grab your pitchforks and keyboards, hear me out.
I’m not saying I think it’s fake. On the contrary, as someone who struggles with self – diagnosed depression, I KNOW it’s very real. I think of it as any other disease, such as diabetes. It’s something that must be recognized and kept in check daily.
But I stand by my statement – depression is an act. Depression isn’t always as obvious as someone not bathing daily, or not maintaining themselves, although those can also be signs.
Depression is a liar. Depression is a smile in front of loved ones. Depression makes up excuses for why you can’t accept an invitation. Depression lets you manage in front of others, but shuts you down when you’re behind closed doors… And it almost always tries to keep you behind closed doors.
It’s not that you don’t desire to do stuff. You WANT to do things, but depression weighs you down when no one is around. It releases you just long enough to smile and laugh at functions so that no one questions your well-being. Depression allows you to act like everything is ok, even though you feel like it’s all falling apart.
Depression is an act. And I hate it.
I hate that I have to put this mask on daily because I’m afraid to admit to those around me how I feel and that I need help. I hate that I feel like I need to write this blog in order to express myself in some way. I hate the self-doubt that depression and ADHD fill me with. But what I hate and resent the most is the guilt I feel for not being my best self for my family. I know it affects them, no matter how hard I try to protect them from it. I hate feeling unworthy.
I think it’s really ironic with how close the brain and heart are to each other in a person’s body, yet there’s such a huge disconnection between what we KNOW and what we FEEL.
My brain knows I’m worthy, but when I look at my incredible family, my heart just feels undeserving of their greatness. I guess, all I can do is keep working to earn it.
I guess that’s all I have for now. Thanks for reading. Feel free to post comments about how you’re feeling today.