Look Out for #1

Well hello there! I took a bit of a break, but I’m back and better than ever. The 2nd half of 2017 was pretty challenging, and 2018 was following suit until I decided to make some changes.

And let me tell you, changes are HARD to make sometimes! It’s not just about trying to eat healthier or exercise more, though I’ve started on that journey as well. The changes I’m talking about weren’t some resolution that I had decided on in January as I welcomed the new year. The change I’m speaking about is deciding to look out for #1 and put myself, and my well-being first.

It sounds like the literal definition of selfish… I know, but hear me out. For the better part of the past 20 years, I had slowly been chipping away at my circle of people and letting the toxic people in my life float away, like a paper boat down a drainage ditch. And most were pretty easy to let go of, because the roles they played in my life were minimal. But recently, my resolve was put to the test and I had to cut someone out that I was so close to! She is the person I was actually closest with, even more so than my supportive SO. And it was hard – God was it hard. It broke my heart, and still does, but I had to put myself first.

You see, recently, while celebrating our birthdays together, she threw a dagger of an insult at me, thinking it was okay. I laughed it off, but it hurt because I would never dream to treat her like that. A few short days later, she offered me an “opportunity” for work, since I’ve been out of work for 7 months, but offered to pay me $2/hour, while working 50 hours per week. After the first stab to the heart with her insult, this was a kick in the gut to top it off. But it was a stab and kick I really needed.

For the better part of a month, I kept playing it all out in my head. I anguished and cri
ed. I was sad and angry and disappointed. All the while, she had no clue what she had done to me emotionally and mentally. The noise in my head was too much to handle. I didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t want to hurt her… Let me say that again. I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT HER. I wasn’t putting myself first, and it was killing me!

As much as it hurt, it made me realize how she sees me – as “less than” and “unworthy”. The thing is, I know better than that! I KNOW that I’m not less than and I know my worth! I’m so fortunate to actually be starting a new job soon, making more than $2/hour. And although it hurts like hell to not have her in my life, I can’t allow ANYONE to treat me like I don’t matter. If I don’t look out for #1, no one else will!


Well friends, that’s all I have for now. Until next time, stay caffeinated and be kind to each other.

The Cafe Owner

Depression is an Act

Depression is such an act. Now, hold on. Before you grab your pitchforks and keyboards, hear me out. 

I’m not saying I think it’s fake. On the contrary, as someone who struggles with self – diagnosed depression, I KNOW it’s very real. I think of it as any other disease, such as diabetes. It’s something that must be recognized and kept in check daily. 

But I stand by my statement – depression is an act. Depression isn’t always as obvious as someone not bathing daily, or not maintaining themselves, although those can also be signs. 

Depression is a liar. Depression is a smile in front of loved ones. Depression makes up excuses for why you can’t accept an invitation.  Depression lets you manage in front of others, but shuts you down when you’re behind closed doors… And it almost always tries to keep you behind closed doors.

It’s not that you don’t desire to do stuff. You WANT to do things, but depression weighs you down when no one is around. It releases you just long enough to smile and laugh at functions so that no one questions your well-being. Depression allows you to act like everything is ok, even though you feel like it’s all falling apart. 

Depression is an act. And I hate it. 

I hate that I have to put this mask on daily because I’m afraid to admit to those around me how I feel and that I need help. I hate that I feel like I need to write this blog in order to express myself in some way. I hate the self-doubt that depression and ADHD fill me with. But what I hate and resent the most is the guilt I feel for not being my best self for my family. I know it affects them, no matter how hard I try to protect them from it. I hate feeling unworthy.

I think it’s really ironic with how close the brain and heart are to each other in a person’s body, yet there’s such a huge disconnection between what we KNOW and what we FEEL. 

My brain knows I’m worthy, but when I look at my incredible family, my heart just feels undeserving of their greatness. I guess, all I can do is keep working to earn it. 

I guess that’s all I have for now. Thanks for reading. Feel free to post comments about how you’re feeling today. 

Cafe Owner

Good. Fine. Okay

How are you?
– Good.

How ya doin’?
– Fine.

How’s it going?
– Okay.

This is one of the biggest lies most of us say daily. To be fair, most people who are asking the question want to hear those answers. Or at least, that’s what we think. In the society we live in, it seems really difficult to let our guard down and be honest enough to answer the simple question of how we are.

We fear our honesty will bring people down, or we’ll constantly be seen as negative or gloomy. What we really need to understand is that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be sad, angry, anxious, or scared, provided we actually do something about it.


Hear me out. This is not in anyway meant as a judgment against anyone. It’s okay to not have rainbows flying out of your butt daily, but it’s not okay to live that way daily and not try to get some sort of help or use an outlet. Whether it’s singing, therapy, art, dance, or as in my case, blogging, the emotions need to be released.

The thing about negative emotions is that they’re like a cut in your skin that isn’t healing properly. The longer they’re left to fester, the more damage they’ll do. The hurts we’ve experienced are real… they’ve happened. And they’re not so easily forgotten. So, instead of carrying the weights that others have thrown on us, we deserve to be released from them and not be infected by those hurts any longer.

What are your feelings on this? Feel free to share your feelings in the comments.


The Cafe Owner


My Sounding Board

A few months back, my FW (Filipino Warrior) suggested that I start a VLOG. He said it would be a great place for me to express myself, like a sounding board. What I heard was, “Dang woman, I worked all day and I just want some peace!”. I know he didn’t mean it like that, but I took the hint. Anyhow, the thought of me being on camera and recording myself sent a shiver down my spine. I LOATHE the sound of my own voice, so I’m sure any “followers” may feel the same, so I went with a traditional blog. It really works out well because writing is very cathartic for me anyway.

So, here’s a little about me; I’m nearly 40, I have a 2 sons, 2 dogs, and 1 amazingly patient man (FW). I’m a Marine Corps veteran who is super empathetic and just wants to help people, much to my own detriment and frustration. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, which means I’m awesome at Jeopardy, but I suck at life because I’m full of useless knowledge. You know… Jack of all trades, master of none.

My resume reads like the discography of a classic rock band. Most recently, I worked for a behavioral health company, doing phone assessments on potential clients and completing the admissions process over the phone. I believed in it wholeheartedly and learned so much about mental health and addiction. Here’s my disclaimer: I AM NOT A QUALIFIED THERAPIST OR COUNSELOR, but I do have a way of connecting with people, which means a great deal to me. I think everyone needs that at some point or another.

This is just a little space I created to share my thoughts and release them out to the world. If you’d like to connect or just read my daily catastrophes and ponderings, I’ll be here writing. I honestly don’t presume anyone will follow along, but at least my dogs won’t have to listen to me anymore, and FW can finally relax after work without me yelping at him as soon as he walks through the door.

I hope you enjoy your visit to the Noisy Mind Cafe!


The Cafe Owner